do not love me gently
I want to know
you ache for me
When the nighttime comes
do not seek permission
enter without knocking
steal like a thief
I want to wear the nighttime
on my skin
breath you
from my pores
taste the moon
on your tongue.
submitted for Thursday Think Tank, #58 Nighttime, at Poets United
and We Write Poems, #64 Parallel Lines
and Meeting the Bar: Crit Friday at dVerse Poets Pub
27 comments:
Oh this speaks volumes - excellent!
Anna :o]
oh yes...love the sensualness of this and using natural elements as well...pop back in shortly with some crit...on the way to work...
Wowzers, your nighttime is a lot more exciting than mine:) A beautiful, evocative write. Wonderful.
mmmmm...there are definitely some nice metaphors in this. IMHO, dropping unnecessary conjunctions/articles(and/the) and the second "I want"s in stanzas 1 and 3 might tighten it up a bit.
Also, breathe you from my pores was awkward sounding for me. Maybe breathe you into my pores or exhale you from my pores depending on what image you had in mind here.
I really love the wearing nighttime on my skin and taste the moon on your tongue. The whole third stanza is beauty for me. Thanks for sharing your talents and linking up with d'verse.
Lots to like in this sensual piece. A few thoughts to consider.
I found the capitals at the beginning of each line disturbed the flow for me and also I think the piece would benefit from some punctuation to guide the reader.
The 'howl' line jumped out at me as cliche/overused and I also think it spoils the mood of the piece so I'd consider cutting it entirely.
S1L3 you have the word 'want' twice in the same line so I'd consider changing the second one for a much stronger word.
I think your structure could do with a little tightening and would work really well as tercets - see what you think.
When the nighttime comes
do not love me gently;
I want to know you crave me.
When the nighttime comes
do not seek permission; enter
without knocking, steal like a thief
I want to wear the nighttime
on my skin,
I want to breathe you
from my pores
and taste the moon
upon your tongue.
A really lovely piece that with a little tweaking could be even better. Just my opinion of course to be taken with a large pinch of sodium chloride.
This is great--a passionate invitation for the nighttime. Well done.
Gayle ~
This is so sensual! I love it!
Oh, this is delicious to read out loud. The sensuality demands attention. No rose-tinted romance here. You know what you want and you aren't timid about it.
Haha... here I am assuming this is a personal write. I hope it is. Looking at it from another direction, one could read it sarcastically and pick up a totally different tone.
I'm pleased that you linked this to the crit event even though there is only one suggestion that I can make. Each line begins with a capital letter even if the line tracks down from the previous line. Capitals interrupt the flow for me when I read poetry out loud, as though a new sentence is beginning. I would suggest retaining capitals only for the beginning of a thought and changing the rest to the lower case presentation.
Only a suggestion. Keep it or toss it, your choice.
Now that I've savored your poem several times, I must thank you for the opportunity to read and review... and I need to consider taking a long walk or a brisk shower.
As I said, this is delicious.
Beth
That's hot, Lola! And I'm not just saying that because I haven't had sex in awhile.
That was one hell of a night! ;D I loved it~
This was GORGEOUS, especially the last stanza!
Absolutely loved it. Thanks for sharing.
Wow ! Deep and sensual poem ... filled with the promise of unbridled passion !
'I Love the night life', Wasn't that a song in the 80's. Your piece reminds me, why.
very sensual. Love it
I think this must be my kind of poem. I responded to it viscerally, which is perhaps the best way.
Rowf! That made me feel like a horny werewolf. Grrrrowwwllllll......
Nice, I guess your not afraid of the dark.
stunning...
well done,
Absolutely loved it!
This was a work of art :-)
"When the nighttime comes
Do not seek permission
Enter without knocking
And steal like a thief"
Oh, I hear ya. Not a Ming vase here, honey, just a double-you oh emm ay enn! :-)
hey, I wrote about the Estrogenic phrase "I'm fine" at your suggestion!
http://fireblossom-wordgarden.blogspot.com/2011/07/speak-estrogenic-in-fifteen-minutes.html
PS--I actually like the first version better. Did I tell you I'm a Professor Of English Literature in my spare time at home? Oh hell yeah. I took a correspondence course off the back of a box of Cheerios!
Holy shmow! I love it. I am bias to stanzas with even numbers of lines. They make me feel comfortable in my own writing. But for this, I like the structure of your 2nd draft better. I have to say though, I think "I want to know you want me" is much more powerful, sensual, and just sounds right, especially if the stanza ended right there.
I guess the night time is the right time!
yum. " I want to wear you on my skin, taste
you on my tongue" wow lola - fantastically
sensual.
At the risk of yanking your mouse ears in two directions, I think I acutually prefer the 1st draft.
Pat Tillet said...
I like it!
"Taste the moon on your tongue" is worth the price of admission all by itself.
taste the moon on your tongue!
Anything with moon works for me, like
dance by the light of the moon, etc
Hi Lolamouse:
Welcome to WWP. :)
I'm just now getting around to reading people's poems for the prompt, since I've been ill and offline the last few days. I'm in agreement with Irene and a few others -- I really do like the last lines ("taste the moon on your tongue").
It seems to me that you carried out the idea of parallelism mostly in the first two stanzas -- the second restating the first. I think that's very interesting and works well.
-Nicole
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